2022

Well...just another two more months it's gonna be end of the year once again.

Time passes fast this year and lot of things have changed...so no point dwelling on it.

Today i went to visit you again.

so much noise, so noisy. 

Dont understand why those relatives want to be that noisy

I didn't cry as much as the last time I went to your house.

I went in your room today, your smell no longer there...

It's so empty. I missed you.

Missing you won't bring you back...

Looking at those photos, make me emotional again.

popo, ni hai hao ma?

your cat also passed on shortly after you are gone.

sighs.

nothing was left. as if you really leave the world and didn't exist at all.

I wish you are doing good somewhere.

I hope to see you soon.

Love you.

I am unhappy, just unhappy why is this happening once again?

Life is unpredictable ,  i am back to square one.

Back to the old days trying to escape from reality once again.

I feel like the world is making this a joke

I am trying my best, not to be that emotional bitch but i guess i can't help it

Nothing seems fair or even reasonable to make a reason to describe it.

I feel empty, I don't need pity. I will be strong again.

To my one and only grandmother,

i missed you badly, how are you?

why do you have to leave us? 

i thought maybe i have more time for you, but life is such unpredictable.

I hope you are doing fine and I hope you are happier now.

We missed you, don't worry about us.

Don't be afraid, grandfather will be there with you at least now you have someone to talk to.

I think I am just not ready to let you go.

Why do you have to leave? :(

I really really don't want you to leave...

ahma, thanks for always accepting who i am.

saying that i am straightforward but i don't meant what i always say i have a big heart.

not everyone is like you. and i dont think i can find another you in this life.

we always joke around when i visit you, asking you to treat me eat when you are the older person that i should be treating you eat. laughing away always asking me when i getting marry, can't wait any longer as you getting old and me being me always saying to you "where got old, i haven't marry yet not so soon" you say ok will wait but  i never thought that you will leave so sudden. my heart just can't take it that i have to let go of you. it hurt so much . pouring out my sadness will never bring you back i know but i want you to know that don't be scare popo, you not suffering anymore. i hope now someone is out there holding your hand in case you are scare. i guess i keep recalling that saturday's morning seeing you in that condition was really upset. i still try to be positive , fking positive thinking you will make it , you so strong definitely  can make it out. I guess being positive this time was not really going my way... popo you know it hurt to see you that way..........................those words you say to me hais i really dont know how to say to you. you are not alone. you are always love by us. we might not always show that way but i know i surely do love you not for your money not for your property just you. You make me a whole person. Thank you for being you even till you are sick you still worry about us...i cant find another you anymore.

popo thank you.

 its been awhile since i blog.

i guess i am just overwhelm in life right now , trying to cope with life too.

if only adult life is so much easier and simple!

 I guess here I am again

Overthinking kills.

How I wish I could know you better 

How I wish maybe if I knew what’s going on maybe things will be better...

We missed you

Sometimes I can’t stop wondering have you ever regret about it.

People always tell me time will overcome the feeling

No? How do I even get over it when I don’t even know where to begin with? 😭

Missed you.

Wish you were here with us.

If only fk this shit

Today I found out something...

Something that I don’t really wanna know.

I don’t know is it just me or normal human beings feel the same

Ugh so annoying yet I don’t know 🤷‍♀️ 

Don’t know how to describe how I felt.

But I am glad that I made a decision 

It’s not gonna be easy but definitely gonna go thru it

Afterall I guess I’m still lucky to have my bestie 🖤

I want to be happy

like legitimately happy

but what’s happy? 

Being content with what you have?

Be grateful with whatever I have?

Some days I don’t even know what I really want...

Able to live with the life I gonna have?

Life is so confusing...

Being realistic is totally different with being materialistic 

I just want to be happy like happy happy.

Guess I just missed those feeling 

Reckless and having a adrenaline feeling 

:( I guess I just miss the old me.

Why am I always being so emotional? It’s been so long yet I felt that it just happened not long ago...sighs how can I ever gonna be alright knowing that you are not here with us? 😢 I miss you so much...always pretending to be strong yet deep inside I just a full of mess person. Who can I even rely on when you were supposed to be the one 😭 

Can’t wait to see you again

Am I always thinking too much? Instead of enjoying the present I am always worry about my future...it’s so hard to just focus...sighs so much things to accomplish yet so little time to be done. I guess I really need to work harder to get what I really want in life 

 I never gonna understand why would you want to make things so ugly, I have never ever thought about that way about you. Why are you always so sensitive about me? Am I really that bad? I thought we are better off that way and yet again you prove me wrong...why do u have to make such assumptions? 

I guess afterall I am not the one being childish

 ain't it better to be a happy go lucky girl

then someone whos always needed someone to rely on?

always stress about life.

...if only life is so much simple

dont have to overthink that much

 UGH FML.

....DONT WANT TO WASTE MY TIME 

ON THINGS THAT DOESN'T EVEN MATTERS.

I just want to be happy....

Nothing fancy just want to be happy.

Yet it's so hard just to be happy for once.

I miss the feeling of being happy.

Just carefree and nothing else on my mind.

......just want to be happy.

Yes another day of overthinking again.

I might be always looking like being a happy go lucky girl or whatsoever you guys say....

but deep inside of me I know myself well...

I cant deny that i am messed up....

I just wish that I didn't have to go thru the hard way to understand how important you are...

Somedays I just don't want to be responsible for whats going on but i have to....

Sick and tired of being me.

Sick and tired of living this life.

How I wish afterall this is just a nightmare that i been living with...

I missed you.

so much that words can't describe how much i really want you back....

if only you knew that it's a mistake that you could have taken back

maybe perhaps we could be happier...the 5 of us

sighs. i miss you so much that you have no idea how much it hurts us.

 Nothing seems to be able to explain why am I feeling this way.

Ya can't deny that I am unhappy , upset but yet this is the best way to end.

its ain't fair but can't help it...

---

one door closes another door opens

I guess I was never good in express my feeling or any affections toward anyone.
I guess I just build my wall way too high and you are exhausted after trying.

I am sorry for not being good enough for you.

Hopefully you will find someone good enough for you.

x , 

I always thought having an enclosure would be good enough for me...

never knew that this feeling hurts so badly...

Just one sentence and that's it?

If I could ever rewind, I wished I didn't have gone thru this feeling ever again.

i wish i could read your mind...
knowing whats going on...
and maybe hopefully you will still be around...
but sadly...everything is gone just us standing here crying
hoping everything will be fine but sadly...no.

its been awhile...
memories started to fade...

but feelings are still there...
we missed you.

I just dont want to think about it anymore

Forcing myself to be sober most nights is the most terrible thing to be done.

I guess I just have to channel my feelings toward another way...

No point making my surroundings people worry for me...

I guess I need fresh air, new life...

Totally needing it badly.

You guys must be wondering..."why am i so emo?"

Well...I guess this is a phrase I am going thru alot of shits.

I will be fine real soon, don't have to worry

Goodnight